Dear Women of Philadelphia

I know. It’s nice out. We’ve been waiting for this for a long time, and our patience has been rewarded; it’s sunny and warm, just like a blissful summer day–minus the atrocious humidity. But that doesn’t mean you can wear a fucking napkin as a shirt.

No.

For the love of God and all that is holy, please take a good look at yourself in the mirror–preferably a full-length mirror–before leaving your house. And do it right.

What do I mean by that? Allow me to explain.

When some people look at themselves in the mirror, it goes something like this:

“Does it look good?” –> “Yes.” –> *leaves house*

Wrong. That should not be the first question you ask yourself when evaluating your appearance. Simply put, whether or not you look good depends on the answers to a great many questions. Try these instead:

- Is it too small?
- Are my ta-tas hanging out?
- Is anything else hanging out?
- If the wind starts blowing, will it fly away?
- Does it look like a napkin?

If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, the answer to “Does it look good?” is nothing but a resounding and emphatic “NO!”

I’m going to start carrying a permanent marker at all times; every time I see someone wearing something ridiculously ill-fitting, they’re getting a free tattoo.