Unwanted Emails
September 3, 2008
Every day, I get spam that tries to sell me products or get me to click on such and such link. Their subject lines range from something as simple as “hi” to ridiculous shit like “RE: Dear username@sas.upenn.edu 77% OFF.”
Other ridiculous subject lines I’ve seen include:
you have 6 unread messages from ladies
update your penis
You look really stupid username
Hi have a huge
Order a monster cock for yourself
Turn your short and tiny stick to something you can be proud of!
Beautiful Russian women waiting to meet YOU!
Bomb her womb from your huge canon!
Rod of pleasure in your pants
what a stupid face you have here username
Restore power to your groins
And while it’s nice to know that I can restore power to my groins so that I can bomb the wombs of beautiful Russian women who are waiting to meet ME! from my huge canon, I’d rather not. So, I have such emails filtered out and classified as spam.
For some crazy reason, I signed up for the A(sian) S(tudent) U(nion) listserv upon entering Penn a good five years ago (damn, five years!). I went to the first meeting and hated it, I went to the first party and hated it. So, I left and never turned back. For four years, I put up with the emails because I didn’t want to be one of those people who replied to all and screamed, “UNSUBSCRIBE ME PLEASE” — and I didn’t know that I could unsubscribe without going through people. At all.
ASU emails became more annoying upon graduation. When most people had their undergrad accounts deactivated automatically, I didn’t — simply because I was still working at Penn. So, I kept receiving emails from people I didn’t care about telling me about things I didn’t care about. I searched and searched and searched, and finally, in April, I found out how to unsubscribe once and for all.
| Date: | Mon, 14 Apr 2008 01:47:05 -0400 |
| From: | Sophie <username@sas.upenn.edu> |
| To: | listserv@lists.upenn.edu |
| Subject: | [No Subject] |
UNSUBSCRIBE ASUMEMBERS
It’s that simple. From then on, I never received another ASU email. My life was complete.
Or so I thought.
I wake up this morning, and what do I find in my inbox?
ASU – Kick-off Party!!!
What. the. fuck.
Thinking there was no way in fucking HELL I was put back on the list, I clicked on “show details” and saw this GIANT list of email addresses. Instead emailing this shit to the formal listserv, they fucking input (I hope not manually) every fucking email address they’ve ever had on file.
Who the fuck does this?
I replied to the email (but not to all), telling them to remove my goddamn email address from “whatever crazy masterlist [they] have,” and rightfully asking them, “Seriously, what the fuck?” I hope I never hear from them again.
Let’s end this angry post with a completely pointless junk email that didn’t try to sell me stuff or ask for my password or anything — as a matter of fact, the email doesn’t even make sense:
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show details Aug 11
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lunch jarvin tumultuous
papery tumultuous telecommunicate? mckay, periclean destroy.
tipperary mckay fogging capacity papery makeup, abstain
tumultuous chinese ann declamatory tipperary.
catheter perdition byline
makeup particular uproot? knifelike, ann particular.
execrate catheter.
