OkCupid: Beginnings

I am no stranger to OkCupid; for a while, I’ve been going to that site to take random quizzes and, essentially, procrastinate. In recent months, I learned that people I knew were using it — or considering it — as a dating service.

I am no stranger to meeting strangers from the Internet; Yelp has played a major role in my social life over the past year, as I left my beloved Philadelphia and, with it, my social circle.

But I was on the fence about OkCupid. It’s not that I’m against the idea of online dating, but rather that I’m not currently looking to date. The idea of a date is too much pressure anyway; I prefer meeting up casually and just hanging out, with no intentions of starting anything romantic, and going with the flow. However, a close friend informed me just a few days ago that she had made up her mind and was going to give it a shot. She signed up, uploaded a picture, and immediately got a few messages. She claimed it was fun. My curiosity got the best of me, and off the fence I went. But half-way through the registration process, I got an error message: my e-mail address was already in use.

How could this be? When I received a password reminder in my inbox, I nearly shit my pants; I had completely forgotten about my account. Upon signing in, I saw that I had a couple of messages from 2006 (year during which I created the account), which I ignored, and absolutely zero information filled out — not even a profile picture. And still, a couple of guys messaged me. Goes to show how predatory and desperate guys can be.

I took the time to fill out my profile and put a picture up. It wasn’t long before various strangers were adding me to their favorites lists, IMing me, and filling up my inbox. My friend was right; this IS fun! The most interesting part is probably checking out my compatibility with other OkCupiders. There are three percentages: match, friendship, and enemy. These percentages fluctuate with each question that you answer; they have this funky matching algorithm and, well, it works its magic in the background. Aside from socially inept morons who asked me questions like “r u sexual?”  and “can i have u”, I must say that most guys who contacted me seemed decent and functional. After chatting a good chunk of the night away, I signed off and went to sleep.

So, over the past few days, I’ve been messaging and IMing strangers, answering questions, and taking more quizzes.

Just this once, I will share some stats — just to give you an idea of how hectic it can get.

Sign-in date and time: July 21, 10:30pm
Current date and time: July 27, 2:15pm

In that time…

Guys who winked at me: 4
Guys who messaged me: 29
Guys who IMed me: 33

Of course, a few of them crossover. I browse the site with the IM feature turned off, mostly because of OkCupid’s horrible user interface. I hit it off with a number of those guys, and already have plans to hang out with them. As always, I’m happy about filling up my social calendar. Hey, gotta put the “fun” in funemployment, right?

Things are about to get really interesting… are you ready?

Apnea

I realized, during my ride back from Philly to DC, that I’ve somehow developed the habit of holding my breath: I breathe in, hold it for about ten seconds, and exhale. I’m not sure when it started; I suddenly felt out of breath within ten minutes of the bus pulling away, and realized what I was doing shortly after.

I wonder if I have sleep apnea.

I could go on some random symbolism tangent, but I won’t. I’ve also found the only thing that can hold my attention for an hour and more with no interruptions: the landscape — the everchanging landscape before my eyes during a long ride. I think it’s because 1) it’s constantly changing (unless it’s in some rural area with vast stretches of farmland or grass fields — a sign of my undiagnosed A.D.D.?), and 2) it requires minimal to no concentration whatsoever. I could look at the landscape  zipping by for hours and hours on end. I guess I could say the same for the sky, even though clouds go by much slower… after all, no two clouds are the same, right?

I woke up feeling really dejected today. I’m still feeling down, but I don’t know if it’s residual shittiness from this morning or if it’s from the awful Chinatown bus ride that I was subjected to (or subjected myself to?) earlier today.

A bad morning
Today, I woke up and realized that the seemingly harmless void in my life (lack of job, lack of love, and a general lack of direction) had become a supermassive black hole. While I’m not actually certain about the severity of this, it was enough to jerk me awake at 6:20am — a solid ten minutes before I was scheduled to get up. I don’t believe I’ve ever woken up feeling so emotionally confused, unmotivated, or indifferent.

A bad ride
Today, I peed in a plastic bag. The airplane-style toilet on the bus didn’t work; the red button used for flushing (it looked like one of those buttons that you slam on when there’s an emergency) didn’t work. Not only did water not come out when I pressed it, but the metal flap at the bottom of the toilet didn’t open either — I tested it prior to unzipping. Also, the handle on the inside of the door was missing. I asked the stranger sitting in the seat in front of me if he would please slam the door shut for me and let me out whenever I was done. My original plan was to empty my water bottle in a bag, double-bag it, pee in it à la doctor’s office, put the whole thing in another plastic bag, double-bag it, and throw it out. Instead, I emptied my water bottle in a bag, double-bagged it, realized that I would probably suck at aiming, threw out the bottle, cursed my lack of forethought — and now lack of water, peed in a plastic bag, double-bagged it, and threw it out. The stranger was kind enough to oblige and remain patient when I knocked on the door just a minute upon entering the reeking facility because we had just entered a tunnel… a really long tunnel (turning Pissland really, really dark). We shared a chuckle or two, and then, when it was all over, he offered me hand sanitizer.

Paired with this persistent bad energy, all that movement was nauseating; I didn’t throw up, but the rest of the ride proved to be extremely uncomfortable. We got to DC around 12:40pm — a little over six hours ago, and I’m still feeling sick.

On a lighter note, Lilly’s mother and grandmother are in town. I met her mom not too long ago; awfully pleasant woman. I’m really looking forward to seeing her grandmother again. What a sweet woman! I wanted to bring her a box of Naked Chocolate chocolates from Philly, but didn’t know if her health permitted chocolate consumption. When I go see her, I think I will get her flowers instead. Lilly’s spending the night and part of tomorrow at her grandmother’s. As for me, I have the apartment to myself. I think it’s better this way; I’m not feeling up to having any human presence around. You know how people tend to have a specific type of music they like to listen to whenever they’re in a certain mood? General consensus is that depressing music fits this type of funk that I’m in. But I don’t want to listen to music. When I’m down, I like to sit in silence and let the noise from the street seep in. I’m not sure if it helps me feel better so much as it helps me not feel worse; I really believe that listening to some band who’s making a shit-ton more money than I am would make me feel really, really awful while in this state. Seriously, people: what do you get from listening to someone who’s better off than you whine about how awful their life actually isn’t?

Maybe I’m just nearing that time of the month. Whatever the case may be, my one ray of sunlight on this icky day was the stranger who so graciously helped me on the bus. So, again, thank you. You’re really shining on.

Late-Night Thought

Maybe I should have done things differently.

Social Circles

I’ve never been the type of person to say things like, “You should come to this party with me, there are these people I’d like you to meet.” Rather, it’s always been something like, “I’m going to a party, you’re welcome to join me if you’re interested.”

I think this fits somewhere between being selfish and thinking that socializing and making new friends is really an art. It takes a lot of effort, and I simply don’t find it fair that one should be able to meet new people through others. I’m not talking about the kind of situation where you go out with your friends and their friends happen to be coming out as well; that’s just luck. I’m talking about straight-up “I’d like you to meet so and so, please come out.” I’m not one to mix my various social circles together; I like to keep them separate. I’m not one of those people who want all their friends and acquaintances to be one giant happy family, either; to be frank, I couldn’t give less of a fuck if a number of my friends didn’t get along or downright hated one another.

It’s called “caring” — haven’t you ever heard of it?

It’s ridiculous how many people can walk right past a sobbing elderly woman in a wheelchair and not say a goddamn thing to her. Would it kill you to stop for a few minutes and find out why she’s so distraught? I’m looking at you, Saturday jogger; and you, woman walking her dog. Doesn’t look as though you really have to be anywhere!

I saw this very sad lady while rushing to a dentist’s appointment this morning; she was crying and not really reaching out to anyone. I stopped to ask her what was wrong.

“I just somebody to talk to but no one will talk to me,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “I just need somebody to talk to,” she repeated. I found out that she didn’t have enough money for her medicine. She blew her nose; it bled. She said between sobs, “I’m in so much pain. I just need somebody to talk to, but no one will talk to me.”

Long story short, her medicine cost $25 — which I gave her, along with a big hug. She slowly stopped crying and said “Thank you baby.” I wished her a good day and resumed walking.

Yes, she could have been a liar, in which case she’s really good at what she does. It’s true; if you play your part well enough, once in a while there will be a sucker like me who will stop and actually give a shit. But if she wasn’t lying, at least I can rest easy knowing that she’ll be okay for a little while longer.

Late-Night Blogging

I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I CAN’T SLEEP.

And my brain is no longer in academic mode, so there’s so way I can work on my paper at this hour.

I never learn . . .

Communicating with some of my friends can be like pulling teeth sometimes. Everyone claims they love emails; yet no one bothers to reply. And then you have those who don’t reply, but do send you another email with completely different content. What gives? Typical scenario:

- friend sends email
- I reply

From there, it goes into two possible directions:

a: friend replies to my reply, I reply to that reply, and then nothing.
b: friend sends a new email, I reply, and then nothing.
b: nothing.

I’m never the one who drops the ball, so please, help me understand.

In other news, I’ve decided to start a list of things that I want to learn; similar to 43things.com, but less complicated. Here we go:

- archery
- gun shooting
- knife throwing
- woodworking
- glassblowing
- fishing

Em…to be continued.

Falling Forever

Do you ever wonder what that feels like? I do, often. I imagine it to be a prolonged version of the rollercoaster/vertical drop feeling, just maybe not as intense. Or I’d probably liken that feeling to the one I get from listening to certain songs (see: For All The Marbles by Amandine; Welcome Home, Son by Radical Face; most of the songs by the Kings of Convenience; etc.) — maybe that’s how I want it to feel like. And if that is indeed the case, I would like to fall forever.

Unfortunately, it’s not a very useful feeling to get while I’m writing a paper.

Being home is strange. There are still students here that I know; I think it’ll take a couple more years before no undergrads recognize me. You know what’s funny? At AU, all undergrads are babies to me — even the seniors. But not the seniors at Penn, no. The ones I know, I met them when they were freshmen and I was a junior; maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe it’s because I wasn’t a grad student here?

It’s already Thursday. There’s this paper that I need to write (I have until June 1), which means I’ve been spending every day so far at the library (Van Pelt). And this is okay because Mom is working — but she has off next week, which means that I won’t be able or even want to work at all. This also means that I won’t be able to see my friends, because I feel bad not spending time with Mom when she’s not working; because when she’s not working, she’s alone; because when she’s alone, she gets literally bored to tears. You know, when she calls me sobbing and saying that she just wants to hear my voice? It’s heartbreaking, really. It’s bad enough that I live in fucking DC.

It’s already Thursday. So far, I’ve met up with Ashley for lunch twice, run into Frank after one of those lunches, and run into John at the library. I’m having lunch with Luke today, with Bob tomorrow, and seeing Star Trek with (the same) Luke tomorrow — or at least that’s the plan. And then? There are still a shitload of people that I want to not just see but actually spend time with. Maybe that means I should move back to Philly.

It’s already Thursday. I still haven’t stopped by the old workplace to visit. Well, “old” — I’m still doing work for them. Actually, they have work for me to do. Maybe I’ll stop by tomorrow. You see, the problem with me is that I’m never fully satisfied with getting a big group of people together and hanging out. Yes, good food and good company make for good times, for sure, but for some reason I feel the need to meet with people one-on-one first; I think it’s because catching up is easier that way. Well, that and I’m never too keen on mixing my circles of friends together; I like to keep them separate. Is that crazy? I don’t care. I actually find that to be quite normal and logical, but I won’t tell you why, because 1) I don’t feel like getting into it and 2) I don’t have the words to explain it. Besides, logical things don’t need explaining.

Socializing can be so awkward sometimes.

Nearing the Two-Year Mark

Sometimes I can’t help but feel incredibly lonely at times, even when in the midst of a group of great people.

I went out on Thursday night and met up with some people for a good night of drinking; that was the fourth time since the previous Saturday, and, well, I’m pretty sure my liver was already hating me pretty hard by that time. I don’t know what it was exactly — the three beers and five tequila shots in one hour, the mindset, the empty stomach, or my current situation — but the anticipated good night turned sour in the blink of an eye. And then, as I leaned over the sink in the dive bar’s bathroom, as a girl I had just met tied my hair up and stroked my back, I lost it; I cried, and cried, and cried, and was completely unable to stop the tears from coming. Every time I opened my mouth, another sob came out, harder and louder than the previous one. I stopped crying long enough to rush out of the bar and get a taxi with my new caretaker. Once I was inside my apartment, which felt even emptier with Lilly in India, I let myself fall onto my bed and resumed my crying.

Upon checking my call logs the next morning, I realized that I called a total of eight people while completely hysterical — including two people whose phones were off, and one number that I don’t even know or recognize.

That somewhat-minor incident aside, I really had a great week. Time out of school means time to socialize — and god knows I haven’t been doing any of that since I moved down to DC. But now I’m back in Philadelphia for a full two weeks, and I don’t think it’s ever felt better than this (even though I have a paper to write…fucking hell). Tents are being set up on what was formerly known as “College Green”; Commencement is one week away. I’m not sure how successful this week will be — in terms of productivity — but I’ll be damned if I don’t get to hang out with those wonderful friends of mine.

Do you remember?

When I have time, i.e., when finals are all over, I will read over ALL of my AIM/Trillian/Pidgin/Gchat logs and pull out the best bits of conversation ever.

Get ready.

[10:37] ii: twat
[10:37] ii: we’ve had this word before
[10:37] ii: i’ve looked it up before
[10:37] me: and you had the wrong definition of it
[10:40] ii: mmm
[10:40] ii: starburst…
[10:40] ii: a twat is a starburst