Yesterday was the last day of this stupid cleanse. Got up early to continue the carpet-rippin’ fest because I wanted to finish it all before today, and I did it!

And this is how much trash I have to take to the curb tonight:

Oh, right, the cleanse.

Breakfast: scrambled eggs with diced and sauteed red peppers and onions
Snack: banana and tamari roasted almonds

Lunch, snack, and dinner:

That’s stir-fried organic brown rice pasta, red peppers, mushrooms, turkey, and onions; banana sorbet made with frozen bananas and orange juice; and a Morning Star veggie patty (Tomato & Basil Pizza) with steamed eggplant and sesame soy ginger vinaigrette.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it! Took the last of my pills before bed, slept like shit, woke up at 4:30am, then at 5am, had breakfast (whole wheat bagel with peanut butter and blueberry preserves) got to the hospital around 6:15, mom went off to surgery around 8, and I’m just sitting in the surgical waiting room until they call me up to her room. Spoke to the doc on the phone after the surgery (~9:50) and all went well; she’s in the recovery room now and I should be getting the call soon.

Meanwhile I went to the 7-Eleven across the street (the only food place within eyesight of this hospital) because I was hungry. In two minutes, I voided this whole 14-day cleanse. I ate this premade “sausage” “egg” and “cheese” on a “twister roll” (whatever the hell that is) — and it didn’t taste like anything. The list of ingredients was quite impressive for what should have been relatively simple. Shit. It wasn’t even 10:30 yet. I also bought a bag of SunChips because they’re delicious… and a bottle of water.

I’ll try not to eat anything until tonight. Or just healthy shit. Speaking of tonight, I need to figure out what to have for dinner. I don’t know what time I want to leave the hospital today.

At any rate, I’m tired of blogging. Ha! We’ll see when my next update will be… dun dun dunnnnnnnn!

Day 11

Breakfast: oatmeal
Snack: Toasted Nuts ‘n Cranberry Luna bar and Naked Juice’s Blue Machine
Lunch: sauteed mushrooms, red peppers, onions, and turkey
Post-gym snack: banana
Dinner: sauteed leeks and turkey

Day 12

Breakfast: oatmeal
Lunch: sauteed leeks, green beans, tomatoes, corn, black olives, shallots
Snack: Toasted Nuts ‘n Cranberry Luna bar
Dinner: organic brown rice pasta with turkey, tomatoes, olives, corn, onions, and sesame soy ginger vinaigrette
Snack: apple with peanut butter

Day 13

Breakfast: oatmeal
Snack: half a whole wheat bagel with tomato & basil hummus
Lunch: leftover pasta salad from the previous night, half a whole wheat bagel with tomato & basil hummus
Snack: one whole wheat bagel with tomato & basil hummus, tamari roasted almonds
Dinner: cucumber salad with tomatoes and onions, and balsamic vinaigrette; half a banana
Snack: one square of dark (71%) chocolate; one Reese’s mini peanut butter cup (shut up)

One more day one more day one more day. I can’t take this anymore! I need eggs and bacon, dammit!

In other news, I spent the afternoon ripping out the carpet downstairs. I’m about 1/3 done… After the carpet I will re-caulk the bathroom.

I think tomorrow’s lunch will consist of more brown rice pasta, but this time with red peppers and mushrooms… I have a can of black beans but I don’t know what to do with it. I’m not a huge black bean fan, it turns out. There’s also a can of tuna that’s been sitting there for years. HMMMM……… One more day.

Day 6

I sauteed half a zucchini with some mushrooms and onions; ate that with some eggs for lunch. I had some grapes and oatmeal as a snack later. Dinner consisted for a Morning Star veggie patty with some roasted eggplant. Then I had an oatmeal raisin flax cookie and a square of dark (71%) chocolate.

Day 7

Oatmeal for lunch, oatmeal raisin flax cookie and some grapes as a snack, a cucumber-tomato-olive-onion salad for dinner, and a hard-boiled egg for snack.

Day 8

Oatmeal for breakfast, oatmeal raisin flax cookie (I had a whole box that I’d forgotten about…) and some grapes for snack. Lunch came much later because I was busy removing carpet from part of my house: leftover cucumber salad with a hard-boiled egg, and another hard-boiled egg later as a snack because I was too lazy/tired to make food.

Day 9

Back to work after Labor Day weekend! Was late so the only thing I managed to pack was a container of grapes. A coworker had an apple and gave that to me when we left at 2pm. Once I got home, I had some carrots and scrambled two eggs. For dinner, I went to dinner with my family at a Chinese restaurant whose name I still don’t know despite having patronized them for years. Au menu: striped bass, crabs, lobsters, shrimps… you get the idea.

Day 10

Was late again so I ate once I got to work: the last oatmeal raisin flax cookie, the last of the grapes, and some cut up red pepper (I can’t eat those raw… I gave up). I stopped by CVS to get some (skin) toner and picked up a protein bar while I was at it (holy crap it was good) because I wanted to hit the gym. which I did. and it was fun.

Speaking of working out, I guess I just have to take it easy since I’m not putting enough stuff in my body to sustain a decent workout. At least that’s how I feel… unless it’s the soreness from the carpet-ripping talking.

For dinner tonight? Well, I was bad again. I had some of the lo mein that mom made (veggie for reasons that I don’t feel like explaining right now); it’s customary to have mein (egg noodles) for one’s birthday (it’s mom’s birthday on the lunar calendar today, which is why we went to dinner last night… actually we should have gone tomorrow night, since mom’s gone veg today, but my cousin was in town up until today, so we went last night – I’m so fucking disorganized tonight). ANYWAY, thought I’d indulge (for both me and her) so I had a bit of noodles. Mainly, though, I scrambled two eggs with some mushrooms and onions… and I don’t know what it is, or what I did wrong, but it was bland. I did not enjoy my eggs tonight.

I got some reduced sodium turkey breast cold cuts from Trader Joe’s after the gym today, so I’ll have some of that tomorrow. I also got three bananas. Should I make tomorrow’s lunch now? I don’t think I’ll have time in the morning… we have to leave early to get to the hospital; mom’s having her blood drawn for some pre-admission testing (she’s having surgery on Monday). GAH.

Day 4

I had a whole wheat bagel for breakfast; this shit’s getting old and I’m not even supposed to eat so much of it. I need to come up with breakfast ideas. I made another cucumber salad for lunch (with tomatoes, olives, onions, and balsamic vinaigrette) but it wasn’t as good as it was the first time (Day 2). I also packed some grapes and a handful of almonds as snacks; those really hit the spot. Dinner consisted of a Dr. Praeger’s Tex Mex veggie patty with sauteed onions and zucchini.

Day 5 (today)

Today, breakfast consisted of … *drum roll* … A WHOLE WHEAT FUCKING BAGEL! I really didn’t want to eat that today, but I was late and couldn’t think of anything else to take with me while I ran out of the house. I put it in my bag and didn’t touch it until the train was close to my stop, when I massive cramps hit me and I needed to take some ibuprofen. I ate about a quarter of it and finished the rest, very slowly, at work. I managed to pack grapes and almonds, as well as sliced cucumbers and olives with balsamic vinaigrette. I knew we were gonna get free pizza at work, so I took the time to pack those things real quick… I didn’t want to be stuck at work with free pizza in the kitchen and no other option than to run outside and SPEND MONEY on food that would also not be appropriate for the cleanse.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I ate a few almonds and put the container away in disgust. Definitely not in the mood for those. I did eat about half of my grapes, which I actually enjoyed. …which were the only things I actually enjoyed. The cucumber salad was meh — and that made me bitter, because when I went to fetch it from the fridge in the kitchen everyone else was standing there eating their pizza. I finished my grapes and got to leave work early. Yay! Grabbed another four pounds of grapes at Trader Joe’s.

Once home, I was starving by 4:30… scrambled two eggs with some mushrooms and roasted piquillo peppers. At first I thought the oil that the peppers were soaking in had congealed, but it turns out it wasn’t oil at all! For some reason I had never come in contact with the oily-looking substance; that stuff isn’t oily AT ALL. In fact, there is NO FAT in that jar at all.

Come dinner time, I wasn’t hungry yet. I prepped some green beans because I figured I would get hungry by bedtime… and so I waited, and waited, and waited. Finally hunger hit, so I roasted those green beans with some tomatoes and onions. It smelled delicious, and it was good, but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as, say, a burger. Fuck!

I’m losing my appetite. I barely wanted to eat today and only did so out of necessity. I didn’t drink much water during the day so I got a headache in the late afternoon/evening… I’m hoping this appetite thing passes, because right now I have no desire to put any of those veggies in my mouth. I don’t want to stop the cleanse, so I’d say I’m pretty close to not eating anything at all. We’ll see what happens tomorrow…

Meanwhile, I’ve been taking about two shits a day.

Oh, on a brighter note: I switched gyms! Smaller place, no annoying chatty students, no people talking on their cell phones while working out. FREE CLASSES. Clean facilities and a sauna in the locker room… I’m psyched.

I think it’s time for bed. The headache is back… It’s gonna be hard to eat only healthy things during this long weekend.

@#$%^&*

- Woke up early (or on time, when my alarms went off), took a long piss and went back to sleep just because I could and also because I felt like it. Bed feels good.

- Had two eggs sunny side up with a whole wheat bagel for breakfast… delicious and filling! Didn’t need to fix lunch since that was the leftovers from last night’s dinner.

- Took a huge shit.

- Had just enough money in my wallet to buy a Green Machine Naked Juice from the deli on the ground floor of my office building.

- Ate my lunch in three small servings and drank a lot of water.

- Got rid of a headache with a single 600mg dose of ibuprofen.

- Left work at 4:30pm (I usually leave at 2); didn’t get to try the prospective gym because I hadn’t answered some questions they’d emailed me and I had to hit up Trader Joe’s anyway.

- Got tamari roasted almonds and four pounds of seedless red grapes from TJ’s, as well as some milk for mom.

- Had lots of grapes when I got home, some stew and bread for dinner, a slice of watermelon (sans salt this time), and some more grapes.

I might have farted a couple times this evening and felt a tad bloated but I’m good now. I haven’t taken my digestive pills yet so I’ll do that shortly… I’m curious to see what the next two bowel movements will be like given the amount of meat that was recently consumed. Energy-wise I’m doing okay; feeling tired and sleepy at work but that’s nothing new…

Pretty boring day overall. I’m planning another cucumber-tomato-onion-olive salad for lunch tomorrow. I will definitely make it to the gym this time, so I might take a Luna bar with me. Is that cool?

I spaced my eating pretty well so that I wasn’t starving too much by the time I left work. I skipped the gym yet again because 1) I’m tired these days and 2) I wanted to hit up the Reading Terminal Market again because the Amish folks weren’t there yesterday… and I wanted to get zucchini from them.

‘Cept they didn’t have zucchini today. I did get some carrots, though!

Oh, and 3) I’m ditching my gym for a seemingly more grandiose one. Screw you, university gym! Screw YOU, students who spend more time talking to each other than working out! but I digress.

Got home and had a slice of watermelon with a tiny bit of salt… and a square of 71% cacao chocolate with a piece of whole wheat bagel. Shut up. I’m PMSing.

I roasted four chicken thighs in the oven with some eggplant, onion, and mushroom for dinner. I took a thigh out to cut it and check for doneness but ended up eating the whole thing. WHOOPS. Had another one with some of the veggies; the remaining thighs and veggies are for work tomorrow. I realize it’s way more than what I had for lunch today, and truthfully I don’t know if that matters, but it’s really difficult to change your diet/do a cleanse when you live with your mother. If she wants to cook but you can’t or don’t want to eat, you’ll ultimately feel bad because she either won’t get to cook, or she’ll cook but no one will eat it. Perfect example: today she decided to make Bò Kho, which is a delicious Vietnamese beef stew. Guess what I’m eating tomorrow night…

Anyway. She’d bought these chicken thighs and well, there you go. Plus the box didn’t say to reduce my intake of chicken, so cluck it.

Here’s a little collage of (almost all of) what I ate today:

Some other observations:

- I’m peeing A LOT with this cleanse. It’s highly recommended to drink a lot of water throughout the day (it’s so hot anyway, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to), and I’m taking at least 16oz of water with each pill popping (the indications say 8oz).

- I noticed this morning that my skin was peeling a bit around my mouth; my manager said something about it being yeast. I’ll look more into that tomorrow.

- I’m breaking out a bit more than usual, though it could also be because I’m about to get my period (in which case it isn’t unusual). I’ve heard of other people mention breaking out a bit as a result of toxins leaving your body or something… I may or may not look more into that tomorrow.

- I’m now starting to get a headache but I’m not sure what the cause could be… I’m definitely hydrated and I don’t believe I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms, seeing as there is no coffee or nicotine to cut out of my life. Maybe it’s sugar.

That’s all, folks! I just took my three huge and smelly digestive pills. Let’s see what tomorrow brings!

“No more than four times a year,” it says. Hold your horses, bro; let’s see if I can even stand to do one first.

People are exclaiming left and right that the kit gives you no direction as to what your diet should be while cleansing. Kids, it tells you what to avoid eating. Use the process of elimination and figure it out for yourself… you’re supposed to be all growed up now. Nobody can tell you what to eat. Mkay? kay.

That being said, I was practically kicking myself in the rear this morning when I rushed out of my house to go to work, realizing that I hadn’t stocked my fridge adequately for this 14-day cleanse. On the bright side, even if I had time to pack a lunch it would have been useless seeing as I can’t eat any of what’s in my fridge! As a result, my breakfast consisted of a mere whole wheat bagel (which may or may not be a big no-no) and I munched on two bananas, one grapefruit, and another bagel (asked for whole wheat but it looked and tasted nothing like it) while at work. I also drank a lot of water and an expensive (but delicious) juice (Naked Juice’s Green Machine).

Oh, before I go any further, let me show you what my daily pill intake is.

Day 1 through 7:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill at night, and 3 digestive pills at bedtime. The difference between night and bedtime? Who knows. I’m taking the night ones at dinner.

Day 8 through 14:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill in the morning and 2 at night, and 2 digestive pills at bedtime. You see the size of those digestive pills? I hope that shit don’t get stuck in my throat!

So anyway, I decided to skip the gym today and headed directly to the Reading Terminal Market… got me some cucumbers, green beans, white mushrooms, tomatoes, and an eggplant. For dinner I roasted some green beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions in the oven and fixed myself a veggie patty. It was good but soon after I got hungry again and had an apple with some peanut butter. And now I’m hungry. and farting. Speaking of anal outputs, I can’t wait to poop! I hear there may be some funny colors. I’m just hoping the urge to go won’t hit me during my morning commute…

Basically, I’m hungry and I have gas. As usual.

“How does it feel to have a student driver honk at you? Why, aren’t you high and mighty in your gas-guzzling SUV!”

“Impatient drivers behind me: This is a stop sign, and I, by law, and by virtue of the fact that I’m a student driver (like the big-ass sign on the roof says), am required to stop. Actually, so are you. What does the sign say? Not ‘Slow down to the white line and accelerate’. STOP. The sign fucking says ‘Stop’. Learn how to read.”

(repeat every day at various times)