I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I CAN’T SLEEP.
And my brain is no longer in academic mode, so there’s so way I can work on my paper at this hour.
Communicating with some of my friends can be like pulling teeth sometimes. Everyone claims they love emails; yet no one bothers to reply. And then you have those who don’t reply, but do send you another email with completely different content. What gives? Typical scenario:
– friend sends email
– I reply
From there, it goes into two possible directions:
a: friend replies to my reply, I reply to that reply, and then nothing.
b: friend sends a new email, I reply, and then nothing.
I’m never the one who drops the ball, so please, help me understand.
In other news, I’ve decided to start a list of things that I want to learn; similar to 43things.com, but less complicated. Here we go:
– gun shooting
– knife throwing
Em…to be continued.
Do you ever wonder what that feels like? I do, often. I imagine it to be a prolonged version of the rollercoaster/vertical drop feeling, just maybe not as intense. Or I’d probably liken that feeling to the one I get from listening to certain songs (see: For All The Marbles by Amandine; Welcome Home, Son by Radical Face; most of the songs by the Kings of Convenience; etc.) — maybe that’s how I want it to feel like. And if that is indeed the case, I would like to fall forever.
Unfortunately, it’s not a very useful feeling to get while I’m writing a paper.
Being home is strange. There are still students here that I know; I think it’ll take a couple more years before no undergrads recognize me. You know what’s funny? At AU, all undergrads are babies to me — even the seniors. But not the seniors at Penn, no. The ones I know, I met them when they were freshmen and I was a junior; maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe it’s because I wasn’t a grad student here?
It’s already Thursday. There’s this paper that I need to write (I have until June 1), which means I’ve been spending every day so far at the library (Van Pelt). And this is okay because Mom is working — but she has off next week, which means that I won’t be able or even want to work at all. This also means that I won’t be able to see my friends, because I feel bad not spending time with Mom when she’s not working; because when she’s not working, she’s alone; because when she’s alone, she gets literally bored to tears. You know, when she calls me sobbing and saying that she just wants to hear my voice? It’s heartbreaking, really. It’s bad enough that I live in fucking DC.
It’s already Thursday. So far, I’ve met up with Ashley for lunch twice, run into Frank after one of those lunches, and run into John at the library. I’m having lunch with Luke today, with Bob tomorrow, and seeing Star Trek with (the same) Luke tomorrow — or at least that’s the plan. And then? There are still a shitload of people that I want to not just see but actually spend time with. Maybe that means I should move back to Philly.
It’s already Thursday. I still haven’t stopped by the old workplace to visit. Well, “old” — I’m still doing work for them. Actually, they have work for me to do. Maybe I’ll stop by tomorrow. You see, the problem with me is that I’m never fully satisfied with getting a big group of people together and hanging out. Yes, good food and good company make for good times, for sure, but for some reason I feel the need to meet with people one-on-one first; I think it’s because catching up is easier that way. Well, that and I’m never too keen on mixing my circles of friends together; I like to keep them separate. Is that crazy? I don’t care. I actually find that to be quite normal and logical, but I won’t tell you why, because 1) I don’t feel like getting into it and 2) I don’t have the words to explain it. Besides, logical things don’t need explaining.
Socializing can be so awkward sometimes.
Sometimes I can’t help but feel incredibly lonely at times, even when in the midst of a group of great people.
I went out on Thursday night and met up with some people for a good night of drinking; that was the fourth time since the previous Saturday, and, well, I’m pretty sure my liver was already hating me pretty hard by that time. I don’t know what it was exactly — the three beers and five tequila shots in one hour, the mindset, the empty stomach, or my current situation — but the anticipated good night turned sour in the blink of an eye. And then, as I leaned over the sink in the dive bar’s bathroom, as a girl I had just met tied my hair up and stroked my back, I lost it; I cried, and cried, and cried, and was completely unable to stop the tears from coming. Every time I opened my mouth, another sob came out, harder and louder than the previous one. I stopped crying long enough to rush out of the bar and get a taxi with my new caretaker. Once I was inside my apartment, which felt even emptier with Lilly in India, I let myself fall onto my bed and resumed my crying.
Upon checking my call logs the next morning, I realized that I called a total of eight people while completely hysterical — including two people whose phones were off, and one number that I don’t even know or recognize.
That somewhat-minor incident aside, I really had a great week. Time out of school means time to socialize — and god knows I haven’t been doing any of that since I moved down to DC. But now I’m back in Philadelphia for a full two weeks, and I don’t think it’s ever felt better than this (even though I have a paper to write…fucking hell). Tents are being set up on what was formerly known as “College Green”; Commencement is one week away. I’m not sure how successful this week will be — in terms of productivity — but I’ll be damned if I don’t get to hang out with those wonderful friends of mine.