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Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, Day 2

August 31, 2010 Leave a comment

I’m very happy to report that today has been relatively fart-free after having farted my way through the night — I even farted myself awake at 3:40 am. Naturally I was a bit nervous about what my day would be like, but I soon realized that I had run out of gas. I had a decent-size bowel movement, which briefly interrupted my brainstorming session for meals. I didn’t know whether or not I could eat oatmeal and frankly could not bother to look it up because I was not the least bit interested in it today. I decided to make my lunch instead: sliced cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, and olives with a little tiny bit of balsamic vinaigrette. I shit you not, that is all I took to work today. And then I said “fuck it” and made myself a sandwich for breakfast, which consisted of a whole wheat bagel and chả chiên (fried chả lụa or Vietnamese ham). WHATEVER! I had half of it and finished the rest at work, where I had a second and smaller bowel movement.

I spaced my eating pretty well so that I wasn’t starving too much by the time I left work. I skipped the gym yet again because 1) I’m tired these days and 2) I wanted to hit up the Reading Terminal Market again because the Amish folks weren’t there yesterday… and I wanted to get zucchini from them.

‘Cept they didn’t have zucchini today. I did get some carrots, though!

Oh, and 3) I’m ditching my gym for a seemingly more grandiose one. Screw you, university gym! Screw YOU, students who spend more time talking to each other than working out! but I digress.

Got home and had a slice of watermelon with a tiny bit of salt… and a square of 71% cacao chocolate with a piece of whole wheat bagel. Shut up. I’m PMSing.

I roasted four chicken thighs in the oven with some eggplant, onion, and mushroom for dinner. I took a thigh out to cut it and check for doneness but ended up eating the whole thing. WHOOPS. Had another one with some of the veggies; the remaining thighs and veggies are for work tomorrow. I realize it’s way more than what I had for lunch today, and truthfully I don’t know if that matters, but it’s really difficult to change your diet/do a cleanse when you live with your mother. If she wants to cook but you can’t or don’t want to eat, you’ll ultimately feel bad because she either won’t get to cook, or she’ll cook but no one will eat it. Perfect example: today she decided to make Bò Kho, which is a delicious Vietnamese beef stew. Guess what I’m eating tomorrow night…

Anyway. She’d bought these chicken thighs and well, there you go. Plus the box didn’t say to reduce my intake of chicken, so cluck it.

Here’s a little collage of (almost all of) what I ate today:

Some other observations:

– I’m peeing A LOT with this cleanse. It’s highly recommended to drink a lot of water throughout the day (it’s so hot anyway, I don’t see why you wouldn’t want to), and I’m taking at least 16oz of water with each pill popping (the indications say 8oz).

– I noticed this morning that my skin was peeling a bit around my mouth; my manager said something about it being yeast. I’ll look more into that tomorrow.

– I’m breaking out a bit more than usual, though it could also be because I’m about to get my period (in which case it isn’t unusual). I’ve heard of other people mention breaking out a bit as a result of toxins leaving your body or something… I may or may not look more into that tomorrow.

– I’m now starting to get a headache but I’m not sure what the cause could be… I’m definitely hydrated and I don’t believe I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms, seeing as there is no coffee or nicotine to cut out of my life. Maybe it’s sugar.

That’s all, folks! I just took my three huge and smelly digestive pills. Let’s see what tomorrow brings!

Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, Day 1

August 30, 2010 Leave a comment

After a few delicious quiches and various other culinary exploits, I haven’t been feeling particularly healthy despite exercising regularly and drinking a shit-ton of water. And so I decided to try Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, which I’d been eyeing for a while.

“No more than four times a year,” it says. Hold your horses, bro; let’s see if I can even stand to do one first.

People are exclaiming left and right that the kit gives you no direction as to what your diet should be while cleansing. Kids, it tells you what to avoid eating. Use the process of elimination and figure it out for yourself… you’re supposed to be all growed up now. Nobody can tell you what to eat. Mkay? kay.

That being said, I was practically kicking myself in the rear this morning when I rushed out of my house to go to work, realizing that I hadn’t stocked my fridge adequately for this 14-day cleanse. On the bright side, even if I had time to pack a lunch it would have been useless seeing as I can’t eat any of what’s in my fridge! As a result, my breakfast consisted of a mere whole wheat bagel (which may or may not be a big no-no) and I munched on two bananas, one grapefruit, and another bagel (asked for whole wheat but it looked and tasted nothing like it) while at work. I also drank a lot of water and an expensive (but delicious) juice (Naked Juice’s Green Machine).

Oh, before I go any further, let me show you what my daily pill intake is.

Day 1 through 7:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill at night, and 3 digestive pills at bedtime. The difference between night and bedtime? Who knows. I’m taking the night ones at dinner.

Day 8 through 14:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill in the morning and 2 at night, and 2 digestive pills at bedtime. You see the size of those digestive pills? I hope that shit don’t get stuck in my throat!

So anyway, I decided to skip the gym today and headed directly to the Reading Terminal Market… got me some cucumbers, green beans, white mushrooms, tomatoes, and an eggplant. For dinner I roasted some green beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions in the oven and fixed myself a veggie patty. It was good but soon after I got hungry again and had an apple with some peanut butter. And now I’m hungry. and farting. Speaking of anal outputs, I can’t wait to poop! I hear there may be some funny colors. I’m just hoping the urge to go won’t hit me during my morning commute…

Basically, I’m hungry and I have gas. As usual.