Home > Personal > Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, Day 1

Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, Day 1

After a few delicious quiches and various other culinary exploits, I haven’t been feeling particularly healthy despite exercising regularly and drinking a shit-ton of water. And so I decided to try Trader Joe’s Complete Body Cleanse, which I’d been eyeing for a while.

“No more than four times a year,” it says. Hold your horses, bro; let’s see if I can even stand to do one first.

People are exclaiming left and right that the kit gives you no direction as to what your diet should be while cleansing. Kids, it tells you what to avoid eating. Use the process of elimination and figure it out for yourself… you’re supposed to be all growed up now. Nobody can tell you what to eat. Mkay? kay.

That being said, I was practically kicking myself in the rear this morning when I rushed out of my house to go to work, realizing that I hadn’t stocked my fridge adequately for this 14-day cleanse. On the bright side, even if I had time to pack a lunch it would have been useless seeing as I can’t eat any of what’s in my fridge! As a result, my breakfast consisted of a mere whole wheat bagel (which may or may not be a big no-no) and I munched on two bananas, one grapefruit, and another bagel (asked for whole wheat but it looked and tasted nothing like it) while at work. I also drank a lot of water and an expensive (but delicious) juice (Naked Juice’s Green Machine).

Oh, before I go any further, let me show you what my daily pill intake is.

Day 1 through 7:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill at night, and 3 digestive pills at bedtime. The difference between night and bedtime? Who knows. I’m taking the night ones at dinner.

Day 8 through 14:

That’s 4 fiber pills in the morning and 4 at night, 1 liver pill in the morning and 2 at night, and 2 digestive pills at bedtime. You see the size of those digestive pills? I hope that shit don’t get stuck in my throat!

So anyway, I decided to skip the gym today and headed directly to the Reading Terminal Market… got me some cucumbers, green beans, white mushrooms, tomatoes, and an eggplant. For dinner I roasted some green beans, tomatoes, mushrooms, and onions in the oven and fixed myself a veggie patty. It was good but soon after I got hungry again and had an apple with some peanut butter. And now I’m hungry. and farting. Speaking of anal outputs, I can’t wait to poop! I hear there may be some funny colors. I’m just hoping the urge to go won’t hit me during my morning commute…

Basically, I’m hungry and I have gas. As usual.

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